Valmont's guide to England and being English!
by Catheros
Summary: My first attempt at a JCA inspired fan fic. It's sort of a dig at stereotyping with a little help from our favourite crime lord! Just an introduction at the moment, there may be more...*chapter 2*
1. Introduction

Summary: Hello you "privileged" person and welcome to my first attempt at a JCA inspired fan fiction. It's not really anything to do with the show but has most of the characters in it (or will do at some point). This is just some random idea I had…I decided to loosely explain Englishness (that word is bad English I know!) with the assistance of Valmont haha! It isn't complete, I sort of had an idea (because it's in script format) that if anybody reading this and reviewing wants to they can be in the next parts at some point…just give me permission to use you in your review or email me. More details at the end!

Quick Note: Before anyone flames me for stereotyping English people (not so much in this part but later on) may I remind you that I AM English. I try to be open minded about all nationalities, it annoys me when people of my own nationality never mind others consider themselves superior but that's on a too serious note. I am basically making fun of myself, stereotypes annoy me but we must remember that everyone stereotypes everyone else. I have to go to school with people who have a very stereotypical view on Americans (just an example) which I find appalling because the Americans I have come across either on or offline have been very cool.

Rating: Hmm PG for now because of a few bad words.

Valmont's guide to England and being English!

On a particularly warm April evening, fluttering further away from the ghosts of twilight towards nightfall there is a surge of people along the otherwise quiet street. They all move as one in an untidy fashion to a Victorian styled theatre looming with curious menace over them. As they filter through the magnificent red double doors after braving three worn steep steps they begin a cautious journey along a long purple carpet. After separating into two lines the mass of people push through great oak doors, admiring the elaborate carvings on them while another division leads some in the same direction as a loan sign. That sign is white with raised bold black letters and an arrow pointing underneath the word "balconies" – without a murmur of question the people do as they are being told and follow as if being beckoned by an invisible force.

A sense of fear and uncertainty clings heavily to the air sweeping over their skin as they find their respective dark green velvet lined chairs to sit on. As the great red curtain begins to twitch their mindless chatter is silenced in an instance. Now as the curtain rises, slowly revealing a highly raised stage the serious tone of this first section is struck down in it's prime (I know – it's devastating isn't it?)

A small, strange almost nerdish looking young woman stands alone in the centre of the stage. The lights dim and a single circle concentrates on her form. She curses under her breath at the crease running along the skirt of her gothic dress and nervously pushes her glasses up her nose with a grin in response to the disgusted gasp from the audience.

CATHEROS: Erm…hehe…I do apologise * smoothes out crease with her hands * Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to our badly stereotyped form of cultural enlightenment.

Catheros bows as the audience clap with a slight lack of enthusiasm. She raises her head and snarls in disapproval. The terror struck audience begins to clap wildly.

CATHEROS: That will be enough thank you! I need to introduce my first helper. Please welcome, all the way from wherever the hell she's from – Viper! * points towards the left of the stage as Viper steps out into a spotlight * As seen in the brilliant Jackie Chan Adventures!

VIPER: Well…yeah…brilliant is debatable as I'm no way in it enough!

The audience laugh as does Catheros, the latter more out of self pity for making Vipers first line so poor and out of character. Catheros hits her self with a frying pan that handily sits on the edge of the stage, punishing herself for being so stupid. The frying pan magically disappears as the author no longer has any use for it.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER (RAM): Hello! This is about England, she isn't English!

CATHEROS: I was getting to that! Shut up and sit down, eat a crumpet or something!

RAM: Do I get tea with that?

CATHEROS: What do I look like a waitress? No! Shut up before I make you, you're interrupting my plot!

VIPER: What plot?

CATHEROS: Shhuuuush!

VIPER: So anyway…I'm helping her. Our visual aid shall we say is being stubborn and needs a humour transplant * walks over to the right hand stage exit but does nothing having received a shake of the head from Catheros * Ok you'll see what I mean in a minute or two.

CATHEROS: * standing at the front of the stage * Now you may or may not know that I am indeed English - the Yorkshire accent probably doesn't help * laughs nervously * I have brought you all here today to go through a rather stereotyped guide to being English - some of which are my own observations. Yes I take the piss out of my own nationality! Haha!

After a brief silence it is revealed that other members of the JCA cast are present in the building. Uncle impatiently jumps to his feet causing a crack in his old bones, waving his arms above his head like a lunatic.

UNCLE: Aiiiiyaaa! Get on with it! Uncle is bored of long dragged out introductions, so are the very poor unfortunate readers - Viper you are a bad influence on her!

VIPER: Umm…how?

UNCLE: I don't know! Never question Uncle! * folds his arms and forms a smug smirk across his face *

Uncle is forced to sit down by an embarrassed Jackie while Jade and Tohru fail to fight back sniggers. Catheros stamps her left foot to regain the attention of her somewhat two dimensional audience. (Yes the author knows that attention to detail has not been given!)

CATHEROS: As I was saying…this is a guide, but it isn't mine…I'm just the evil person making the poor person who it really belongs to go through this whole thing. Please welcome the owner of this guide and our visual aid, every JCA fangirls favourite crime lord * swoons *…VALMONT!

Viper disappears from the stage momentarily and returns dragging a very reluctant Valmont on a lead tied around his neck. She continues to pull as he attempts to return backstage but as this nearly chokes him he has to give in. He is placed next to Catheros who takes the lead from Viper with a satisfied grin.

FANGIRLS (in the audience): Arrghhh! VALMONT! 

Several Fangirls are restrained by security, one of which has to be heavily sedated for excess annoying screams. The rest sit back down and keep their mouths firmly closed.

CATHEROS: Next girl to so much as squeak will be expelled from the building!

VIPER: Personally I think you're all nuts.

VALMONT: Jealous Viper? * arches a suggestive eyebrow *

Catheros tugs violently on the lead causing Valmont to almost turn blue due to lack of oxygen. She gently whacks him on the back of the head.

VALMONT: Oww! Now now m'dear there was no need for that at all.

CATHEROS: Yes there was, it's called speaking out of turn. Oh and Viper we're not nuts just crazy for guys with long white hair…and gorgeous deep blue eyes…and * eyes glaze over *

Catheros is cut short as Viper slaps her across the face to bring her out of her little obsessive trance. Catheros rubs the slap mark on her face before turning back towards the audience. After her little dreamy description the Fangirls are almost on the edge of their seats gritting their teeth in a useless attempt at self-control.

CATHEROS: Why can everyone do that Uncle styled hit now?! 

VALMONT: Good question, perhaps they watch too much television * gags as the lead is pulled again, he's bought closer to Catheros as she twists the lead around her hand * Please stop doing that, I can't die, I have a business to run!

CATHEROS: Stop being so bloody cheeky then, don't make me set the Fangirls on you!

The Fangirls begin to salivate madly at the mere suggestion of being set on the object of their insane desires, security have to sedate yet another girl who leaps out of her seat screaming. She, although unconscious, is ejected from the building.

CATHEROS: Damn Fangirls!

VALMONT: Now don't make me tell you about the pot and the kettle * winks *

VIPER: Will you guys knock it off with the tea thing, we haven't got to that part!

CATHEROS: * now a lovely bright red colour * It's an expression…talk about the pot calling the kettle black…

VALMONT: Yes because she is condemning those scary girls over there *winces as a scream erupts from their general direction * when we all know that she's just as bad, what was it dear? Watching the repeats on Fox Kids plus 1 just to see me again * grins *

CATHEROS: I do nothing of the sort! * twitches *

Jade suddenly runs up to the foot of the stage and removes her shoe to bang against the stage. Once she has earned their respect and hopefully attention she commences her frustrated little speech because the author feels bad for not letting any of the god guys have much to say just yet.

JADE: Hello! Plot? You're diverting again…stop procrastinating! 

VIPER: What?

CATHEROS: We're sticking with the theme…because everyone SO knows that we English people always use ridiculously long words when a shorter one would have suited fine.

VALMONT: While we're on the subject…as this is MY guide could the host please request to have his dog collar removed?

VIPER AND CATHEROS: NO! 

VALMONT: Can't blame a guy for trying * shrugs * Ouch! Stop hitting me!

CATHEROS: Never say "guy" it's out of character.

VALMONT: Oh I am so pissed off with this stay in character thing!

VIPER: Well you're going to have to hold that thought…

JADE: * returns to her seat * No…surely not…you can't stop there!

CATHEROS: Yes we can because it's 11:15pm in England and the author has school in the morning.

VALMONT: I refuse to remain strung up like this for hours on end! You can't do this to me!

CATHEROS: Shut up, be thankful that I didn't introduce what I'm planning to next chapter!

VIPER: Here's a clue V…begins with W ends in P and has a H and an I in the middle. 

VAMLMONT: * face falls into a look of extreme worry * HELP!

CATHEROS: We hope you'll all join us next time…well ok soon when the author can be bothered to write more! We shall be discussing every English love, from tea…to money…to their loyalty to the Royal family…oh and my own love of sarcasm. Bye for now! Wave goodbye Valmont!

VALMONT: NO!

CATHEROS: Don't make me set the Fangirls on you!

VALMONT: * waves madly as the curtain falls *

TO BE CONTINUED…maybe

Final notes: I stink at humour…I'm sorry. Let me know if you liked it please…and also if adding other authors is a good idea. If you want to be in it you can, I just need to know if you want to be "normal" or a crazy Fangirl (you don't HAVE to be one of the Big V crew by the way hehe). Once again I'm sorry for this pathetic attempt…so no need to flame I already know! :P 


	2. It's raining cats and dogs!

Well hellooooo again everyone. Thank you very much for reviewing, those of you who have asked to be in it I can assure you that you will be but not all at once (it's the way my mind is working with this whole thing in my head at the moment!). So panic ye not, I plan to introduce people in certain chapters but not restrict them to only being in that particular chapter hehe. I also have a few of you only featuring briefly in this chapter - again don't panic! I'll have use for you all! Lil' Spleef and DemonQueen666 - you'll both be introduced in the next part, I plan to wreak havoc with the rabid fangirls next chapter muhaha so that would be a perfect place to introduce you both! (not that I think you're rabid or anything - I am merely following your request hehe). 

Hmm one more thing (how original of me to say that!): I know Valmont is most often referred to as "British" but I decided to be pedantic…sorry hehe it's only because it has been drilled into my head that the term British includes English, Irish, Welsh and Scottish people and he clearly originates from England rather than say Scotland (unless the writers want to prove me wrong and say he had elocution lessons or something!).

Ice-Chan – you're right, we tend to say "Mind the gap" over "Watch your step" – it's all you ever hear in London when getting off the tube, it is really annoying because there isn't much of a gap there! Only a beanpole would fall onto the tracks, never mind I suppose at least they were being considerate and looking out for peoples' safety. I'm trying to think of other different phrases but not getting very far – arrgh! I'm useless at promoting my own country! Anyway enough rambles!

DISCLAIMER: Blast! How did I forget this in the first chapter? Jackie Chan Adventures and all characters associated with it does not belong to me, it belongs to WB or Fox (depends whether you're in America or the UK hehe). The authors who appear in this story have my permission to use them however having never met them my interpretation of them is by no means a reflection of their true character. If there is anything that they are unhappy with I will be more than happy the edit the chapter but after all this is only for fun – well all know that we're sane in reality! ^_^

Part two: It's raining cats and dogs!

After much confusion and unsettled grumbles from the audience the curtain rises once again as a new chapter in fan fictiondom is dawning. The same people remain surprisingly in the exact same places as before. Viper is busy keeping an eye on Valmont who is fumbling with his collar in a desperate attempt to free himself. Catheros meanwhile is scanning the audience, luckily the fangirls are pre occupied with swapping their latest print out images of Valmont. This disturbs the already fear stricken crime lord as he begins to tremble slightly having remembered Catheros' threats of allowing them to ravish him!

CATHEROS: Alright we're back! School was crappy as usual, now there's something that is uniform to every country on this earth haha! 

UNCLE: Get on with the show! * whines * Uncle is tired of waiting!

VIPER: Calm down Mr. Grouchy the Grouch * notices Jackie shaking his head in disbelief, hiding his head from view * Hey baby-face you're looking a bit under the weather…

VALMONT: Oh Viper must you subject me to hideous puns linked with our first item!

Valmont jumps and hides behind the two hostesses on observing that the keen eyes of the JCA fangirls are now fixed on him. He begins to cower even more, his knees literally knocking together.

CATHEROS: Big V, this would be the part where you read the auto-que, so read!

VALMONT: Must I? The minute I open my mouth to speak half the girls in this audience look as if they want to eat me!

VIPER: Great now they're screaming again…get over it! He's just over twice your age you crazy teens! Plus you add that to the fact that he's not even real…

CATHEROS: Don't ruin the illusion or you'll make us all cry!

JACKIE: * lifts his head up and cringes as the screaming continues * Please be quiet, the nice ladies have a show to do. Why is he getting the attention anyway? * I 'm * the star after all…

VALMONT: Because I'm better looking * sticks out his tongue * Oh and I'm not a scardy cat…

NOVA-GIRL: * leaps up from her seat directly behind Jackie and leans over to squeeze him * Leave MY Jackie alone you big bully! He is SO much braver than you are!

JACKIE: * wheezing * Thank…you…but I can fight my own battles…

NOVA-GIRL: Oh I know but you're just too adorable to be left to defend yourself * squeezes so more *

VIPER: Nova-Girl…we need both you and Jackie for later, so when you're done almost glomping him to death…

NOVA-GIRL: * pouts and sits back down * Spoil sport…

JACKIE: By the way…you are no way better looking! * Points at Valmont angrily * 

CATHEROS: Will you two decide to have your little lovers tiff later please! Now Valmont darling * flutters eyelashes * READ THE DAMN AUTO-QUE!

Jackie slumps back in his chair biting his bottom lip while Valmont shuffles forwards and squints in vain so to read the very small type presented on the auto-que situated at the front of the stage; concealed from the audience by a wooden panel.

VALMONT: Now everyone knows that not just English people but all those in the British Isles have nothing better to do than complain about the weather. This is of course except for Valmont…who is a jammy bastard who runs off to some exotic island whenever it rains…I DO NOT! Who wrote this?

The lights move over towards a very amused Finn sitting at the back in the gallery along side his dedicated Fanatic.

VALMONT: Oh Finn…

FINN: * grinning as Finn_Fanatic is practically rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter * Yeah Big V?

VALMONT: Do that again and you're fired!

FINN: I'm so sorry Big V, I just HAD to stereotype you, as it is the on going theme here * grins nervously as his boss narrows his eyes in anger * I'll just button it now ok?

FINN_FANATIC: * Hugs Finn and whispers in his ear * Don't worry I still love you…I thought it was funny!

VALMONT: Well I didn't…how would you like it if I said you like nothing better to do on a weekend than dress in green and search for the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow!

CATHEROS: Pinch me! I must be dreaming, Valmont actually told a joke…

VIPER: Just get on with the chapter ok?

CATHEROS: Where were we? Ah weather, thanks for that very unprofessional introduction Big V, but as the cliché goes the show must go on. * Rubs hands together * Ooh how we love clichés, I could talk them until the cows come home!

VALMONT: Ahem, Catheros…please introduce our little helpers for this section…

Catheros is visibly enraged at Valmont for attempting to order her around, she takes the opportunity to teach him a lesson because hey she's feeling mean today.

CATHEROS: Oh Ice-Chan! Before you and Avery bring out the weather props please collect my secret conductor of punishments…

ICE-CHAN: * from backstage * One whip coming up!

Ice-Chan calmly walks out onto the stage with one hand suspiciously behind her back. The other JCA fan fiction readers and writers cheer on recognising her while Valmont is now shaking like a leaf. Ice-Chan grins evilly and produces a basic cord whip from behind her, Catheros bows to her as she coils her fingers around the grip and cracks it against the air for good measure plus there's the added bonus of over hyped dramatic effect.

CATHEROS: Next time you try and take over my story this beautiful length of cord will be cracked against your vulnerable backside! * cringes * Fangirls please calm yourselves and stop having perverted thoughts about Valmont and his arse or I'll harm you severely.

VALMONT: Pot and kettle…

CATHEROS: Shut it or I'll send you to Coventry!

VALMONT: First puns now idioms…you my dear are obsessed in oh so many ways with oh so many things…

The grin creeping across Valmont's face is short lived as Catheros raises her whip, there is no intention to use it yet but it still creates the desired effect. Valmont is now pouting and muttering obscenities far below his class under his breath.

VALMONT: I am not!

A pig now flies over the audience…the cries of "Oh look a flying pig" confirm this and Big V pouts so more, this time minus the swearing which this author refuses to repeat as there could be kids watching * cough * Jade…so there.

CATHEROS: On with the show, please welcome Avery another JCA fanatic to assist Ice-Chan, Big V and myself on the topic that everyone seems determined to forget!

Avery wheels a curious trolley onto the stage full of various plastic containers and odd-looking gadgets. She receives her applause and joins Ice-Chan at Catheros's side. Viper decides to sit at the side of the stage and enjoy watching Valmont being mentally tortured in silence.

AVERY: One of the most perfect places to experience most of the spectrum of weather conditions is non other than the British Isles!

ICE-CHAN: Let's start off with a nice one, sunshine!

Avery carefully selects a gadget from the trolley. It is a cross between a lamp and a hand held torch with a large shiny red button on the side. Avery presses the tempting little button revealing the torch to shine a very weak beam of ultra violet light onto Valmont who currently has a face like thunder…

VALMONT: If this ruins my complexion I am going to kill you all.

ICE-CHAN: Just read your lines before Catheros whips you where the sun most certainly don't shine.

VALMONT: Puns! Enough with the puns! * reads the auto-que with little enthusiasm * Oh my isn't it a lovely sunny day * to himself * even though we're in a building! * Ahem * Shame it's too hot, it never is just right…blah, blah etc…

AVERY: Then of course there's another extreme often appearing in England in the middle of spring instead of winter like it's supposed to -snow! * switches off the lamp *

Ice-Chan reaches into a container and removes her clenched fist a second later with little balls of ice seeping through her fingers. In a swift movement she throws the ice above Valmont's head. He splutters as he accidentally inhales some ice through his nose while the rest melts into his thick white hair.

VALMONT: When was the last time it actually snowed properly in Britain Catheros?!

Catheros rolls her eyes at the mention of yet another myth surrounding her home country (although this one is pretty accurate - we mostly get that horrible runny sleet stuff but anyway…) instead of thinking of an original comeback she just points towards the Fangirls who appear to be tired of screaming but that doesn't discourage one of them from letting out a hyperactive cheer at the sight of Valmont wringing the ice remnants out of his hair.

ICE-CHAN: We mustn't forget extreme gale force winds!

Avery produces a battery powered fan that has conveniently been modified according to wind strength. She chuckles to herself as she misses out "breeze" and bypasses "Average strength" by going straight to "Gales", Valmont almost falls backwards as the fan is shoved inches away from his face. Lucky for him Catheros still has hold of his dog lead.

AVERY: Then there's hail…

VIPER: I think they get the point, don't live in the U.K for the weather…it's shit.

CATHEROS: Ok Viper stop moaning and hold your tongue…V complain about the weather.

VALMONT: I already did ages ago, I have nothing to complain about!

Catheros stamps on one of his feet, Jackie can be seen grinning from ear to ear at the sound of the bones of his enemy almost crunching underneath such cruel pressure. He decides not to laugh, there are quite a few Valmont fangirls sat not too far away and he wants to leave this place with all of his limbs intact…although he does have NovaGirl protecting him! 

CATHEROS: * Hissing * COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WEATHER

VALMONT: I told you there's nothing to complain about! Thank you and good day!

CHOW: * appearing from backstage with a large blue plastic bucket in his hands * Looks like it calls for desperate measures err…sorry boss please don't fire me…

AVERY: CHOOOOOW! * jumps up and down * Ooh he's soooo cute I could just hug him and squeeze him all day * runs eagerly up to Chow *

CHOW: * momentarily places the bucket on the floor as Avery proceeds to hug him * Looks like we've all got fangirls…eek I can't breathe…my eyes are bugging out here!

ICE-CHAN: Avery control yourself, let Chow get on with what he was doing.

AVERY: Awww but I wanna hug him more…* reluctantly lets go *

CHOW: * Walking up to Valmont carrying the bucket * One April shower…lots of complaining. * winces as he pours freezing cold water over his boss and runs off stage to avoid being punished. He is pursued by Avery - Chow loves the attention really *

VALMONT: You little!…I am freezing cold, soaked to the bone and my hair's wet! Do you all have any idea how long it takes to dry it!

JACKIE: * to himself * Finally…he gets the complaining part right…

CATHEROS: Erm…maybe this tells you to get a hair cut then?

VALMONT: I would NEVER cut my hair! It took long enough to get it this way…

VIPER: * Dryly * Perhaps he believes it gives him the powers of sexual magnetism.

Catheros and Ice-Chan snigger uncontrollably, eventually Viper realises exactly what she has said and now can not keep a straight face when ever looking at Valmont. In short everyone's laughing and they can't stop!

UNCLE: Aiiiiya! * is silenced by Tohru placing a hand over his mouth before he can continue the complaining theme *

TOHRU: What Sensei was about to say is…erm get on with the show?

UNCLE: * nods before being forced to sit back down with Tohru * 

CATHEROS: Well as they'd say in America this chapter sure does suck! Who'd have thought it would take so long to get one little theme done and dusted.

VALMONT: * sarcastically * Oh you're very wrong Catheros - this chapter has gone SO quickly…I simply can not wait for the next one! 

Catheros simply glares at the crime lord and then ignores him, she hands his lead over to Ice-Chan who then takes him offstage for now. Viper retires to the back of the room ready to serve "refreshments" for yet another interval…of course she grumbles about this despite the fact that she's hardly contributed to this instalment at all!

CATHEROS: I hope you all like fish and chips because that's all we're serving…muhaha! Now would you please stand and observe the national anthem of the United Kingdom. You will notice that we sing about saving the live of ONE person…as long as God saves the Queen sod everyone else…it's only the end of the world if the Queen doesn't reign "happy and glorious" - I bet all these countries with national anthems about uniting the people envy us and our selective ways. * Rubs hands together * If you show the slightest disrespect we will hang you for treason!

The audience raise to their feet nervously and don't even move a muscle as the familiar U.K national anthem is blared over the sound system. Catheros is pretending to cry, trying not to laugh at her obvious charade. After a few torturous moments the song is finally over.

CATHEROS: My gosh that's so beautiful

VALMONT: * from backstage * Just shut up and let the poor people have their interval…for the love of god stop tormenting us all!

CATHEROS: OK! Goodbye for now, you're a wonderful audience…we won't be serving tea I'm afraid, it's being used next chapter…erm if you're desperate there's a Tesco down the road…as with a lot of British towns. (A/N I don't own Tesco - ok?)

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: What about McDonalds? (A/N: Nope don't own that either)

CATHEROS: There's usually about five of them per village! Those things are like Lego…go up everywhere…

The audience rush towards the back of the theatre and out of the doors to wherever Viper has set up a refreshments table (refreshments which happen to be good old fashioned fish and chips - hmm).

CATHEROS: Thank you and good night…for now. Oh yeah and I think a "NO GLOMPING" rule is in order for next chapter.

FANGIRLS: Awwwww…

CATHEROS: Kidding! How do you expect me to keep Valmont in check without such a threat?

VALMONT: * from backstage * I heard that!

CATHEROS: Good…you were supposed to * grins *

The curtain falls again after Catheros has taken a bow, not that anyone cares to notice as they all have food on the brain, they have after all been subjected to a much longer chapter this time! Until next time…

TO BE CONTINUED

NOTES: Not as good in my opinion but still I'm having fun! Those with only minor parts this time will be involved more soon as will people who have had major parts…thanks for making this possible by asking to be in it ^_^.

I mean no disrespect to the monarchy of my country - I'm just not much of a royalist…hope I'm not called insensitive in the wake of the Queen Mothers death but I had those views before that occurred so there's not point hiding them really!


End file.
